A Valentine’s Day Shrive

     There she is, sitting on the stairs talking to her friends. There were enough beautiful hot girls in my college that it took me 18 months to really notice her. She is not that charming but definitely a beautiful and kind person, who always wears a smile on her face. She probably even smiles when she is sleeping, and there will be no one in this whole world who doesn’t like her. She is a free bird flying in the endless blue sky without the fear of being hunted. So, after those 18 months when I started to notice her, when I started to enjoy being with her, and when we started to share even the smallest things in our life; she made a serious impact in my loveless black heart. I, without knowing, started to love her.

     So here I am, a little far away from where I can see her. so I can wait till all her friends say goodbye, till she is all alone again. Meanwhile, I decided to spend my time worthy. So I recollected my last night preparations like that dump student who, just before an exam goes through all pages in the book hoping that it may help him to score. I can feel my heart beats now, louder. For a woman it doesn’t matter whether it's her first or 10th delivery, she feels the same excitement and tension. Same in the case of a man, either it’s his first or 100th proposal; it will feel like the first. So even after completing my half dozen proposals, I stood there like the old one biting my nails. My worst fear is that I proposed this girl's very close friend in less than one year. You know, if a girl knows something then the remaining ten and probably their boyfriends also had a laugh at me. Pathetic!

     The actual story is funny. I always had that sense of trying to be the better man within my friends. So when three of my friends had a crush on this girl, the one I proposed, I took the challenge of proposing her before the others. In which I succeeded but failed to win her heart. Shame!

     I watched all her friends dropping few words in her ears as they say goodbye. What could be it? Well, I decided not to dig any deep since I have enough of problems to deal with.

    
"Smash it!!!"

     A wake-up call from my friend who was playing badminton in the nearby ground. He had no idea that he just gave me enough courage to move on. I took exactly 23 steps to reach her. I did count it. Love is that special feeling which makes you even count the steps that lead you to your love. So as I entered, she gave me an ‘I know why your here’ look while trying to smile. I sat beside her, no words shared. We watched an entire set of badminton play from there. How romantic, right?

   
     Finally, I broke the silence. Few words escaped my lips in my struggling voice.

"See, I have a feeling for you, hope you too. I don’t know, I just love you"

     For few seconds, I could not believe what I just said. It wasn’t the one that I practiced a hundred times yesterday before going to sleep. I ruined everything in a fraction of the second. Though my conscience continuously told me to not bother about the things that had already happen and try concentrate on those that are to come. We slipped to silence again.

"It won’t work"

     She said suddenly. Her face filled with sadness and fear when she spoke. She waited a few seconds and then took the courage to say few more words. She talked about how we (she) can’t be in love; how the society is going to see it and what impact this is going to make in our families. She didn’t speak a wordless or more.

     I could not bear anything more. I wasn’t really prepared to take ‘NO’ for an answer. I thought we were close enough for her to refuse my love, and I believed she already knows the fact that I love her and is waiting for me to ask. Like all men, I too failed to understand a woman.

     Time traveled very slowly. I saw people laughing at me, people who never had experienced the love, who never had the courage to propose a girl, who had no idea what it feels like to be rejected. Ruthless eyes observed me, people suddenly started to annoy me without even saying a word. I’m ashamed by the fact that the one I thought loved, just turned her face away. I have left with no defense. All my words are gone; they lost in the ocean, died in the womb. An abortion!

     After few minutes, without making her wait anymore, I took a long breath and asked.

"Apart from this right and wrong, from the society that always tried to mold as into the shape they wanted, and from the family; by putting their arms around as, chain as down, is there any love that you have left for me?"

     I don’t know why she left this question unanswered. She probably didn’t want to break my heart, or she fears that there is, inside her shallow heart, an undying love for me that she hid in her smiles. She left me without any sign of goodbye.

ഇരവും  പകലും നിഴലും  നിലാവും 

നിറയെ കിനാക്കളും പൂക്കവെ

ഞാനറിയാതെ ബാക്കിയായത്

നിന്നിലേക്കുള്ള ദൂരം മാത്രം

     I cried under the shower that day, loudly. My tears lost in the water without leaving a trace. That night, I slept to forget the unforgettable so I can wake up to believe that everything was a dream.

This is the truth I don’t want you to believe or the lie that is told to believe.